Alright so this is my second year raising money for the aids walk. I joined my friends church's team this year around. Last year I raised 259... only had like a month or two to raise it. This year im going big. I have a goal of 1,000.00 buckaroos. I already raised 350 dollars and have 650 more. I am so happy. I wanted to give you guys this link for my personalized aids walk page that you can possibly donate to. https://www.kintera.org/faf/donorReg/donorPledge.asp?ievent=227376&supid=131286785
Also I am doing a wierd fundraiser through youtube. What you can do is send me an email with the name of the song you want me to sing, lyrics, and a link to where I can hear the song on the web. I will only do that request IF you donate any amount. The minimum is 25 dollar donations, they have an explanation at the aids walk website for reasons why. But if you want to hear my sing a song requested by you or would like me to dedicate a song for you... I can do that if you donate and send me an email. My email is jakethecub@yahoo.com. But here is my youtube link.... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dFMw4Yq8qpc
---------Note--------- ALl the money donated will never reach my hands. It goes directly into the aids walk account in SF. Your money is totally safe.
Alright so this is my second year raising money for the aids walk. I joined my friends church's team this year around. Last year I raised 259... only had like a month or two to raise it. This year im going big. I have a goal of 1,000.00 buckaroos. I already raised 350 dollars and have 650 more. I am so happy. I wanted to give you guys this link for my personalized aids walk page that you can possibly donate to. https://www.kintera.org/faf/donorReg/donorPledge.asp?ievent=227376&supid=131286785
Also I am doing a wierd fundraiser through youtube. What you can do is send me an email with the name of the song you want me to sing, lyrics, and a link to where I can hear the song on the web. I will only do that request IF you donate any amount. The minimum is 25 dollar donations, they have an explanation at the aids walk website for reasons why. But if you want to hear my sing a song requested by you or would like me to dedicate a song for you... I can do that if you donate and send me an email. My email is jakethecub@yahoo.com. But here is my youtube link.... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dFMw4Yq8qpc
---------Note--------- ALl the money donated will never reach my hands. It goes directly into the aids walk account in SF. Your money is totally safe.
I could bless the water But it wouldnt turn to wine Paint a picture of the sunset Hanging there in your eyes But it'd just be some compromise
I could write a million verses Every word youve heard before Steal some of dylans best But it'd leave me wanting to say more Cause theres so much more
Baby if you could love somone like me Theres no end to the possibility Hopes and dreams push away the pain and regret But loving you just lets me know There might be hope for me yet Hope for me yet
Sometimes when I look back I dont even know myself It blows my mind to think that ive found grace in someone else Baby your grace is something else
Baby if you could love somone like me There's no end to the possibility Hopes and dreams push away the pain and regret But loving you just lets me know There might be hope for me yet
For a man whos done nothing I've been blessed with so much more than i deserve I'm smart enough to know that ive been handed something Can't put a price on what its worth
Baby if you could love somone like me Theres no end to the possibility Hopes and dreams push away the pain and regret But loving you just lets me know There might be hope for me yet Hope for me yet Hope for me yet
it is blaring from any speakers. When it is blaring off the damn computer speakers so loud that is right on the other side of my wall. I can hear everything, how lame is it that a sister has to play it so loud for her to hear it (or enjoy it) and I barely have to turn mine up..... when hers over powers mine and she is 15 feet away and I can barely hear mine which is six inches to a foot away. That is the only time I hate music. Music is meant to be analyzed, enjoyed, and appreciated.... not blasted from a computer speaker that can barely keep up with the volume you want to blast it at. Sorry for the rant, I am just getting tired of the 16 years of my lil sis doing this! I NEED OUT!
Alright so the only thing I have keeping me here in Stockton is the fact I dont have around six to eight hundred dollars for Chicago. I found out that it only costs 145 dollars to hop on the amtrak to go from Stockton to Chicago. You can take two carry ons that are up to fifty pounds and take two bags for baggage claims up to fifty pounds as well and any other baggages, cost over 10 dollars each. I will probably bring an inflatable mattress with me that weighs five to ten pounds that will cover my bed situation. I am currently though looking for a person on gcn or friends in general that will offer their couch for a few weeks to a month that will let me stay there for free while I look for a few jobs. I am excited. I want to move between May to late October. I know I can get the money, just the question is, will a person open up their couch and home for a few weeks to a month for me to stay while I make the transition from leaving stockton california to settling down in chicago Illinois. I have made up my mind. That is where I am going. My life is going to change, my life is going to be renewed there. The new Jake is about to happen and I am so excited. Now I just need a quickie job at McDonalds or somewhere so I can get the money to move lol.
alright I am committing to running around my area where i live for thirty minutes. I need to loose this weight. I also am determined to find a short term job so I can get alot of hours, so I can move. Yes move. I had it here in Stockton. Maybe I had it with the fact guys here are so superficial that you cant even gain friends, maybe its the fact that Stockton is really violent and also very boring, maybe its cause Chicago and Philly sounds really great right now. I need to start my life. I dont want to look back in five years and be amazed at how I can be so depressed during this year. I am going to move soon. I will work hard for it. I am also confused. This one guy who I really like was telling me that I was moving too fast, when all I asked him was just one thing that might be something a lil personal after a week of hanging out with him. He got a lil mad at me, so did I at him, then he spilled his guts! Is that a sign that he wants me to know his baggage? Cause God knows I have my baggage. I told him I really wanted to move eastwards and he said "whatever makes you happy" and I was bout to say, well what would make me happy is if you were to be more vocal about what you want lol. I dont know. I am depressed again, and I hate that feeling. I really do. Just pray that I get over it soon. Pray that I get a job soon, and pray that I can acquire money to move by my bday. I really want to move by my birthday. I am willing to work at McDonalds all day for a few months and get enough for a plane ticket, and two months rent just to get out of here. I am up for it, I am up for selling my tv, cd player, clothes, cds, dvds, everything just to move. I feel that Chicago and/or Philly has so much for me there that soon I can replace my earthly stuff later. If I dont know, who knows this pill that I took for three months and then stopped cold turkey might take that serious effect soon. I need to get out of here soon. Anyone want to offer me some good job offers or put in a good word for me in Chicago or the surrounding area so I can get a job there?!?
I think what someone said really took affect in me. I dont have a schooling right now and probably wont have it til summer or next fall, so what I should do is educate myself in the process. I am sooo lazy, I need to stop all of this and what drives me up the wall is that I am doing it to myself, no one is doing it to me. GRRRR, I hate it when I realize the obvious and finally succumb to the inevitable.
SO, I bought some awesome jeans that will make my butt look great. The only problem is, that I have to take them back tomorrow cause I can go to the Modesto store and use a gift card tomorrow without me paying. It sucks, you find that wonderfully crafted jean that makes your legs and butt look like it was sculpted by God, then reality hits and you have to return them!!!!! GRRRRRRR lol. When I get a job, ill buy them back lol. 80)
alright so i removed myself from the situation. I dont want to be on the group when I know that I cant have a profound effect on the conference in the planning part. I know for myself, I am planning nights for the youngeons though. I spent over fifty dollars on food! I was so upset, but I was like, wait a second... lettuce, bananas, apples, cherries, wheat bread, soy milk, and water... is all good food and if that is the price it is to get good food, then ill pay it. I want that change. I dont know I feel refreshed. I am eliminating myself from people that hurt me, taking myself out of situations where people will hurt me, and changing my life. I heard this recommendation that I should run... I wish I could lol, but I cant. Its too painful, so what I decided to do is to walk for 15 minutes then run for 15 minutes... then walk for 20, run for 10. Then go up and up. I would love to get a four pack, if that means to go vegetarian and fruitarian (lol)... then ill do it. I want that flat stomach back.
Alot of people keep on saying "the bible is what I miss" and I said that too, but I cant seem to open it up. Isnt because im busy, but how do I discern between what to apply to my life or take as an opinion... I mean the clobber passages, then you have the passages about whether you think its true or not... I am too confused. I am hoping that I can join a church that will help me apply the bible to my life. I dont have trust in the bible that much, so hopefully this new church will bring me to the truth.
I bought an ASL book. I do have a goal of teaching myself some american sign language... and I hold myself up to that goal. I promised Katie that I would so I dont want to let both of us down. Who knows, I can sign jon some hot sign language to tell him I have a crush on him at the conference lol. I am excited.
I dont have a job, I have around 180 in my bank account. I have to not spend any money. Alot of self discipline will be taken place lol. Pray that I can do it. I have to go walk my dog!
alright so I hold GCN up on a pedastole sometimes because I feel that it is a great thing for us gay christians. I am so pissed off at a few certain gcn people who feel they are holier than thou. They made a comment in a public forum that said "best not to make assumptions" well bitch if you dont put exactly why you are not going to look into the speaker who I listed... then I do have the right. I am just so pissed off at him that I might quit GCN. That is the third time this guy said something and stopped threads.... I guess freedom of speech is not allowed in the gcn boards, and also putting such a rude commment where people can see it shows that motha flucka has no tact. I might end GCN cause I am so pissed off at him.
im tired being depressed so I am going to change that! Aggresively looking for a job, saving every penny, saving for school and a car. Loosing weight so my gout goes away. I am just ready for a change!
im going to loose someone I love very much. I cant cry over it cause im so numb and angry. Im angry at God. Just pray for me. Everything is going down the drain and I am watching it before my eyes, and I cant do anything about it. I am officially rock bottom and I am scared.
i want to go to my cousins house and get so drunk to where i cant feel anything. I feel like just giving up... please god just show me what to do now that I just heard the bad news.
You must know that Jacob has a great smile and will use it to stun his prey. He will listen at first, then when there is a break in sentences he will add a lil thing. When he feels he said his two sentence maxiumum limit, he will stop and look very focused on the conversation. (im totally joking, im making myself look like a tiger looking for its prey on here).
I noticed that in conversations that everyone wants to speak all at once, that when someone is thinking I am thinking of the next thing to say or vice versa. I have ADD so my attention goes everywhere, that might be my excuse. I notice as well, people get angry easily. I was at the lanes yesterday and the next lane over she had a customer get mad cause every single product was out of place and not the price it said on the sign. So she got the supervisor over there and cursed at her and said she was going to take her name and number. WHY HER NUMBER?!? I just watched in amazement of how this women can go from smiling one second to being mad at a dollar different price sale. I also notice, the wierdest conversations going on. While I was ringing up this girl she was like "yeah whos that blonde bimbo that looks like Pamela Anderson, but went from balooga whale to a tooth pick?" and I was like I dunno and I dont care. My supervisor Derrick, he gets upset at the littlest things now. He went through something and I really want to help him out... but that might be breaching a whole new limit of employee and employer personal stuff.
I am really hating myspace. My friends back east never respond.... they look at the message, but never respond, not even a simple 'ok ill do that.' OH WOW it takes only two seconds to type that. I dont know, whats the use in checking in on a friend from back east if they are not going to do the same. I dont care if you are busy or anything. HELL I am busy too. Maybe its my irritation to see nothing in my inbox on myspace and seeing that a person read their mail, but never did a simple response.
I applied for jobs in the bay area. I wonder, who knows maybe god will pull me to that place if I had a job there. I am excited to see if the employers call back or email me back, cause I would really like to work in the bay area.
Oh and im now a celibate lesbian nun.... thank you guys for treating me well!!!
oregon...... long beach...... oregon....... long beach.......... thats the question lol. My crush, wow he has the greatest eyes, the beautiful smile, the gorgeous hair (you know the boyish looking hair) perfect teeth, he is cute and funny, and wow just amazing. He sent me a message that surprised me. Isnt it funny how you think you will stay a celibate lesbian nun all your life and then God plops a hot guys message to you in a gay christian site???? Forget my jealousy towards my ex...... darn, boy you are not supposed to make me fall for yah.
Imagine me Loving what I see when the mirror looks at me cause I I imagine me In a place of no insecurities And I'm finally happy cause I imagine me
Letting go of all of the ones who hurt me Cause they never did deserve me Can you imagine me? Saying no to thoughts that try to control me Remembering all you told me Lord, can you imagine me? Over what my mama said And healed from what my daddy did And I wanna live and not read that page again
[Chorus:] Imagine me, being free, trusting you totally finally I can... Imagine me I admit it was hard to see You being in love with someone like me But finally I can... Imagine me
Being strong And not letting people break me down You won't get that joy this time around Can you imagine me? In a world (in a world) where nobody has to live afraid Because of your love fears gone away Can you imagine me?
[Bridge:] Letting go of my past And glad I have another chance And my heart will dance 'Cause I don't have to read that page again
after three years of college, I have sold probably half of my books. I probably spent well over a thousand so far for all my books together, but only got like 200 from the schools bookstores when I sold them back. I still had like ten books left over in my room... so I went online today and sold six of them for 77 dollars. Now all I need to do is go to fedex and ship them off. Then I get them money through pay pal... money order crap. My grandma returned the sweater that I didnt like, but I was greatful for. It was fifty something dollars, but it was on her card... so she has store credit. I want to exchange that store credit for money... maybe ill make adeal out with my mother, cross your fingers. So, my paycheck comes on Friday and possibly my last one is two weeks from that friday as well. I am expecting around 500-800 dollars in the next two weeks. Over 100 dollars is going for a round trip plane ticket to Long Beach. Then the rest is going towards school which is 400 dollars, which leaves me with 200-400 dollars. I am hoping that money falls in my lap cause I dont know how I am going to move, get a job, start school, and do everything PLUS GCN teams and prayer team all by June. I felt like I couldnt take it yesterday.... I recluded myself in my room, but that wasnt enough. I had my sister coming in and out all the time. I feel like I cant have any privacy and secrecy or just grow as a person here. As long as I am in my parents home I am forever 16 in their eyes. I am feeling alot better today. My friend still hasnt called me back about giong out to eat soon and Vu and John are awaiting for me to say "lets go out" one of these nights. I met this awsesome lesbian women who is around my age only a few years older and she said call me up and we can go clubbing. Do I want to go out again like that? No, but I gave her the address for GCN and for my church. I would really like it if friends talked to me more. I know everyone went home to their own lives, but dont cutt off communication due to distance, there are still phones and email people. I am reading the bible more which is really helping me. I want everyone to say this word... BROKEN. We are all that word. No one is perfect, so reach out, be a friend, be that person to lean on!
I value it alot. When I first moved into my parents house (well I was planning on moving in with the boyfriend then I cancelled that) I knew I was getting a room that was not in anyways path. The girls would have that room that leads to the downstairs family room. Since we changed rooms, I noticed I have a breach of secrecy. I no longer have it. It sucks, cause when you feel bad or want to just curl up and be emotional... you cant. I am going to make my move to Long Beach work, cause I need some alone time. I need to reconnect with myself. I checked my schedule and found out that I missed todays work. I know I wont get hired on after this week because its my second time. I had a clash of interest with some GCN people in the last day or two... and it sucks. I value GCN people as my brothers and sisters and to have them not be with you on certain issues kind of is disappointing. Also I feel some friends are rushing into some things very fast. It also is disheartening when you want to talk to some people and they never respond. I need my paycheck soon so I can book my flight soon. I am going to work out a deal with my grandparents or with someone that if I move and get a job and apply for summer semester in Long Beach then they can help pay for the school payments of last semester. I want someone to call me and just hear me out. I want people to give me encouragement. I need so much support and to feel alone really sucks... but to help me out i keep on playing this video...
that keeps me sane. I need to move fast, if I dont ill go insane!
alright, I want to start this thing about people getting to know my past. When they say I know Jacob... I just hear, you know the person standing before you.... but you dont know the real me! So in alot of journal entries let me tell you a lil bit of my past.
Alright so when I was 16 months I was sick for three days in a row. Doctors each day for two days told my parents that I was just sick from the flu and that I should get better soon. Well on the third day, my parents put me through the doctors ringer one more time with me being unresponsive, stiff, and also not eating for four days. They did an emergency spinal tap and it came out thick and milk shakey. I was in the hospital for a few months. During that time I also suffered from Tuberculosis and from mono. I also had my lymph nodes taken out cause they were swelling up for an unknown cause. The docs told my mom and dad that if they would of waited another day I would of died.
For six years I had to go through major speech therapy. In result of being in the hospital and my meningitis I had speech, hearing and vision problems. I am greatful for all of those cause I should of been dead. So when you hear me mumble sometimes, thats why!
Alrighty.... you have to wait another day for me to tell you another story about me.
Im scared. I need to work like a month more, but today they are doing evaluations for seasonal people and Im afraid that I wont get hired back on.
Matthew 6:34 34Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
So, even though I am afraid im putting it in his hands and trusting God. trusting God for my plan to move to Southern California. He does have a purpose for my life, and his plan is not my own.
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stocktonjake's journal